The Present but Absent Father

I read an article about the Mayor of Philadelphia who chided black parents of young children responsible for a rash of violent flash mobs in the city this summer. Mayor Nutter called out absent fathers who fail to do nothing more but serve as sperm donors or ATMs to their children and pointed the finger at this not so new phenomenon as the root cause of the problem we are having with some of today's youth. While his sermon (or political church speech) was on target/insightful (and offensive to some in the black community) it made me think about fathers who are at home physically but remain absent in their children's lives.

On any given summer afternoon, I can look around my neighborhood...let me back up - I can look out at our cul-de-sac and see a bunch of young boys playing basketball with my husband and sons. Many come in for dinner or snacks and some have even been afforded the privilege of sleeping over. I've even asked my husband when he was going to give himself a break as the neighborhood dad because the time playing basketball or hanging out with the neighborhood kids often turns in to homework time, additional carpool duties, etc.  What I've come to notice is that it is the same set of boys that have gravitated to this "Kool Aid" house. To my knowledge, all of them have two parents in the home but I have to ask myself, why are they playing ball or going to the pool or just hanging out with their fathers.  So of course, I do some informal research, and find out that most dads are sleeping or watching TV or doing odd things around the house.

This is something that very few of us talk about or probably even notice...The Present but Absent Dad. It is a blessing in this day and age that there are so many two-parent households but providing food, clothing and shelter is not the end of the line when it comes to parenting. If you've read any of my blogs, you know that I did have some challenges with my dad growing up, as he was a functioning alcoholic, but even through his drunkenness, he was there…cheering us on at choir concerts or gymnastics meets; family outings and fishing trips. He would even travel to JMU for every parent’s weekend wearing this cheesy shirt that read "My Dollars and Daughter Go to JMU".


What I've come to notice is that a number of today's dads are just sitting on the sofa and channel surfing, mowing the lawn or 'catching up' on sleep. There is a new breed of fathers who believe that their work is done outside of the home and that the mother is there to raise, mentor, discipline and celebrate the children. There are a number of dads that I can name that are extremely active in their children's lives (for fear of leaving anyone out…no list this time) and their kids are better citizens and young leaders in the making because of this.


To me, the present but absent father is just as negative as the totally absent father.  It is a hurtful thing for a child to ask a parent for companionship and attention, only to be told no…regardless of the reason.  Sure, as parents, we all have our moments when we’re tired, overly extended or have been so emotionally beaten up that we can barely care for ourselves, but through the muck and meyer of what we call life, we’ve got to find a way to strengthen our parenting skills and carve out time for our kids. 


No one can be 100% all the time, but the partnership that a mom and dad has is essential to the building up of independent children with high self esteem and strong values. I don't see shutting down the cul-de-sac activities or closing the pantry to hungry boys, but I'd like to challenge all parents to support each other and encourage one another to be present in the lives of their children.


So, as the little one tugs on the mouse and tries to pull me away from the computer, I offer you this: At the end of the day, we all reap what we sew.  If you aren't there for your children now, you run the risk not having them there for you in your golden years.



http://www.theblaze.com/stories/youve-damaged-your-own-race-philly-mayor-blasts-teens-flash-mobs/